First, let me just say that we have constant noise at our house. This is not such a new thing...but what is new is that Iliya is really starting to put 2 & 3 words together, and he literally chatters all of the time (when he is in a happy mood - which is the majority of the time). The chatter is pretty unintelligible to this point...but I have a feeling that we are coming very close to being able to understand most things he says. It is great.

Now...on to the topic at hand.

Sooner or later, children figure out that they have a “say” in what happens to them. This realization typically kicks in with full force around age 2…and this is the time that children begin really experimenting with limits and control.  

This is so where we are right now. Iliya has definite opinions on what he wants to do, and how he feels about what we want him to do.  He is (as I mentioned above) a very happy child, the majority of the time, but there are definitely moments when his opinions and desires do not match up to ours.  And he is sure to let us know how he feels.

For example, Iliya has recently developed quite a collection of – and become quite attached to – several small balls, including varieties such as bouncy, jingle bell (actually cat toys), and practice golf balls (the ones that look like wiffle balls). He has figured out how to manage 4 or 5 of them at once and if, at any moment he can’t find at least two of them, he enlists our help in searching for them (grabbing our finger, saying “Mama/Dada! up! up! ball?”). 

When it is time to take a bath, he has to leave them outside of the bathtub (remember losing the washcloth down the drain? We still don’t have a screen for the tub drain and don’t really want a small ball stuck down there). He is also not allowed to take them to bed with him (since he would do more playing than sleeping)…and the jingle balls do not go in the car with us (since I cannot handle constant rattling/jingling noises in the car – weird, I know).

But I digress…

He doesn’t always have to have this collection of balls with him, but when he is in the middle of carrying them around or playing with them…and we tell him that it is time to put them down for one reason or another…he breaks into a truly broken-hearted crying jag - sobs, (real) tears, and all. 

When this happens - and I really dislike this saying, but as it goes - “one would think we had just killed his Christmas puppy.” I kid you not.

He does the very same thing when it’s time to change his diaper…or when it’s time for a nap and he’s not ready…or when he wants to do something and we tell him “no” (or even when we redirect him and he really doesn’t want to be redirected)…or when it’s time to leave somewhere, and he's not quite ready to go.

This particular reaction is fairly new – I think it has really developed within the past week…as has Iliya’s firm “no” to something he reaaaaaaally does not want to do.

The problem – for us – is not that he says “no” or that he screams and cries (or more appropriately, throws a tantrum). Oddly enough, we're actually glad that we have a child who feels strongly and comfortable enough to express himself…and we do not want to minimize his feelings in any way. In fact, we usually try to validate his feelings by saying things like, “I know you don’t want to…” or “I can see that you are really upset…” and try to give him words for his feelings.  

But recently, this validation has become difficult because these new tantrums often elicit our desire to smile. He gets upset over (to our adult minds) the most trivial things. And his reaction is priceless. Those of you who have already experienced it know what I’m talking about. Those of you who have not…just wait, I'm sure you'll see it soon. And to those of you who may never meet us IRL…well, if I ever capture this on video, I may post a couple seconds of it so you can see what I’m talking about.

We really are careful not to smile at inappropriate times…or worse, laugh – it takes effort, and there have been times when I’m in the middle of a situation and I have to call Nathan in for backup, because I cannot keep a straight face any longer. I won’t claim to be perfect at the whole not-smiling/laughing business, because I’m not. But I (we both) really do try hard.

Why? Because these tantrums and crying jags are Iliya’s real-life, two-year-old way of expressing real-life, two-year-old feelings. And I have to think that I would really dislike it if someone laughed at me when I felt very strongly about something – and expressed it in the only way I knew how.

Let me clarify, though.  All of that is not to say that we do not have a sense of humor about things - if we feel like it is appropriate, we do try to use humor to help Iliya through being upset about something.  But if he really is beyond-humor-upset, we try to be understanding without encouraging melodrama.

One way we’ve been able to combat his despair at “having” to do something is to offer choices. If he is adamant about not having to put his toys down while he takes a bath, we give him a choice. He can either leave them on his changing table, or in one of his shoes. (silly choices, I know – but it is generally enough to grab his attention and allow for him to come out of the tantrum by making a choice).

Yesterday at church, he wanted to get down in the floor, during the service. He was close to having a tantrum about it, when I told him that he had the choice of sitting in my lap – or beside me on the pew. He chose sitting on the pew. And I told him that if he kept wiggling so much, then he would definitely sit in my lap. A choice! And one that (mostly) squelched a tantrum.

The way we see it, we should start small…give 2 choices that are acceptable to us either way he chooses. So far, this tactic seems to have helped. Except for the instances when he says “no” to both choices. But I guess that's when he just needs us to help him make the choice.

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In other news, we have also begun experiencing a bit of “play-mama-against-daddy” manipulation. It’s in its early stages, but…

Saturday, I was in the bathroom, right after my shower. Iliya waltzed right in the bathroom and asked me about his drink. He obviously wanted it, and was asking me to locate it for him. I told him to wait just a second and I would help him.

I finally made it into the kitchen (figuring that – since his drink cup wasn’t on the floor anywhere – it must be in the fridge)…and Nathan stopped me to ask what I was doing. When I told him, he informed me that – a few moments before – he had taken Iliya’s drink away from him because he was making a big mess with it.

So it seems that our little boy is getting awfully smart on us – and we are finding that we must make sure we are on the same page, even about something as trivial as a confiscated drink!

Of course, I know we are in the beginning of this…and soon, the whole manipulation thing will be terribly old. But for now, it’s actually fun to watch these “skills” (and even the tantrums I mentioned above) emerge. It means that our little guy is figuring out that he actually has choices…and that he has a say in what happens to him, or how he goes about doing something (or, more appropriately, getting what he wants!).

Yeah, all of the things we are currently seeing develop in Iliya were always cool to see in the children I taught in preschool…but when it is your own child, it is even more amazing. And humbling to know…that one day, all this groundwork we are laying now may very well affect the way Iliya will make decisions and how he will relate to other people.

And this humbling knowledge causes me to continually pray that we are doing the right thing…and if not always right, then at least the best we can.