Scene: A mom & dad, sitting in the living room, after their little boy is in bed. 10:30 PM. A couple little coughs are heard coming through the baby monitor.

Dad: Did you give him cough medicine before he went to bed?

Mom: Yes, I did. I wonder if it is going to last through the night. Apparently not.

Dad: Hmmmm...well, should we give him more?

Mom: I don't know...I'm not sure how long the medicine is good for. I think you can give it every 4 hours. What do you think?

Dad: Probably would be a good idea to give him some more before we go to bed.

Mom: You think so? I'm afraid of waking him up...but then again, if he keeps coughing, he'll wake himself up. So yeah, we probably should give him some (counting up the hours) in about 45 minutes. Good thinking.
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The transition to my identity as a mom has been a very interesting road, to say the least.

The whole concept of identity and transitioning into the mother role is not a new one for me, but I've been surprised at the amount of time my transition has taken. I haven't been able to put my finger on the reason that it has taken so long, but I do want to make clear that I love my son, and have since the moment I laid eyes on him. But - at least for me - there is a piece required to make the connection between loving a child and having a deep-seated feeling of being a mom. So far, that piece has not fully been there. Let me see if I can explain this without getting too confusing.

Through the course of the past 1/2-year, so many people have said things like, isn't being a mom the most wonderful thing? And it was hard to answer fully affirmative, because...on one hand, having Iliya has definitely been the most wonderful thing. But I couldn't answer to the being a mom part, because I just hadn't gotten to the point of feeling like that's what I am.

I have been slowly progressing forward, knowing that it would come...as long as I was patient.

And then. Nathan and I had the above exchange a couple nights ago, and I had a lightbulb moment. Finally! I got it. And here it is. The moment of truth.

Here I am, almost 30 years old. I look around me, and I see tons of 30 year olds who have children. I think of my own parents, who had 4 children by the time they were 30. I think of all the parents I know who just seem like naturals -- they know what to do with their kids. When I was a little girl, I remember my mom coming in to give me cough medicine in the middle of the night. As a child, you think your parents just know what to do. Mom came into my room to give me medicine...because, well, that's just what moms do. They know. There's no question about it.

I haven't been able to connect my perception of a mother with myself. Mothers (to my mind) just know. They know what to do. They know when to take their kids to the doctor. They know when it's time to check their child's shoes to see if he needs new ones. They know...well, there's nothing that mothers don't know. I see mothers of toddlers, cool as cucumbers, seemingly natural at what they do. Perhaps it's because they've had 2 years that I haven't had with Iliya, to learn their child and get that "knowing" game face.

And here I am, wondering about the right time to take Iliya to the doctor...not wanting him to become too sick, but not wanting to jump the gun. And checking his shoes, when they are a size too small...and wondering, why didn't I think to check them before now? It's clear that - while I feel like I do well with being Iliya's mommy - I don't naturally just know like all the other moms do.

And then the other night, there I sat, going back & forth, wondering what to do...give cough medicine or no? I had to weigh the consequences of both giving the medicine and not giving it. I didn't know what to do. Of course, with Nathan's help, we determined that giving Iliya the medicine would probably be the best choice.

And right after that conversation, I felt a peace. That seemingly normal exchange gave me ability to articulate the missing piece...finally gave me a feeling of wholeness as a mom. And it is because I thought of all the young parents in the world, having similar conversations - whether internally or with each other. And I realized that I am no different than any other parent. I've just had the wrong perceptions about how parents make decisions regarding their children. They don't necessarily naturally know.

But they do figure it out. (and sometimes through trial and error!)

And that, my friends, is where I can identify. I may not know, but I can learn. Now that I have had that revelation, I don't feel so inferior...my identity transition may not be absolutely complete, but I finally feel like I am right where I need to be.

And now, thanks to a little cold & some cough syrup, I can finally say, "Yep, being a mother is pretty doggone awesome."