Since it's not his birthday, I can't really say Happy Birthday, but if you didn't know...today, Little I turned 19 months old. So Happy Day to him! I wish him health and warmth and happiness until we can return to see him.

It is so hard for me to believe that so much time has passed. It has been 15 weeks, exactly, since we first laid eyes on our little man...and almost 15 weeks since we saw him last. The time has gone SO SLOWLY, yet so quickly! Fortunately, I've had time to get my 2 biggest - & most important - work projects of the year completed. Now things are going to slow down a little bit & I'll be able to get caught up so that things can continue to go smoothly while I'm gone from work.

I know this comes as a shock to you - but I've even started to think about our packing list for Trip Two. I can feel us getting closer & closer...yet until we hear something definite, we still seem so far away.
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My friends, Adrienne & Jim, finally have custody of their new little guy, Owen.

One of Adrienne's most recent posts was about changing Owen's clothes...feeding him...giving him a bottle...giving him a bath...putting him down to sleep... all for the first time. Reading about her experiences sparked something in me. And to my surprise, it was not excitement. Now, don't get me wrong - I am so very excited about Little I. But the emotion that her blogpost evoked in me was fear...or better yet, apprehension.

I'm sure all expecting parents feel unsure, so I'm sure it's normal for me to feel this way.

But I certainly didn't really expect to be afraid.

The closer we get to Little I, the more apprehensive I am that I won't know what to do with him when he's ours 100% of the time. I'm terrified that I won't know what/how/when to feed him...or how to give him a bath! Or when/how to put him down for bed and/or a nap. I've done my fair share of feeding, bathing, and putting down...other peoples' children...but you know, we have waited so long to have our own to do these things with... And as I've read Adrienne's (and others') experiences, it really hits home with me that we truly are about to have a child. It's one thing to be temporarily responsible for someone else's child...but to know that we are about to be totally, 100% responsible for this little soul... I'm feeling unsure of myself!

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time... Remember how, on the day we met Little I, I felt like everything I knew about children just flew out the window? I literally felt helpless, even if it was only for a day. That's the way I'm starting to feel - like I won't know what to do. Like everything I know will be gone again.

I think part of it is that life with a child has been a reality only in my imagination, for the past 8+ years. Now that being parents is becoming a true reality for us - I'm having a hard time feeling like we'll be just fine outside of our life as I've imagined it over the years. That may not make sense...but in other words, translating what we've wanted for so long - into what we are actually about to have - has been an interesting process for my brain.

But on the brightside...

Although I say these things about fear and apprehension, in my heart, I know that I will be fine. I know that Nathan will be there, and we'll be starting this parenting thing together. We will not be perfect, and won't always know exactly what to do. But we will learn and survive, and be better for surviving. I will not be alone - in any sense of the word - I will have my husband, your prayers, and I'm sure a few angels watching over me.

And in no time at all, I'm sure that the apprehension will turn into competence...and all will be fine. I'm just ready to get started on that transition.
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But...while we wait... Happy Day, to my precious boy. We love you.