We may or may not ever be able to make an announcement that "we're pregnant"...but we have come to understand that the blessing is the fact that however parenthood happens, it is a miracle! ....... Now we have been home with our precious blessing from Russia since August 2007. Join us on our fun and crazy ride that we call "life with this child of mine."
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Attachment: Part 2
I guess part of the fun of writing is to ramble on about history in order to set up the posts that live in my head. All that aside - or in addition to all that - I really do want to take a moment to second (or third?) (or fourth? now that Adrienne has a post out about attachment!) the reminder that attachment can be a long process. And it's something that - even though we have been home for a year, now, and Iliya is doing extremely well with - we can never take for granted.
When we first came home with Iliya, we were very adamant about being the primary caregivers for him. We wanted to make sure that he had the best opportunity to attach to us and we were apprehensive about other people wanting to hold him and do things for him. So before we ever left Russia, I wrote a post, giving a small explanation about attachment and how we could see our first days home. As hard as it was, we even asked family members to refrain from encouraging him to come to them. If you've never been there, you'll never know how awkward it can be to ask a friend not to give your child a cracker...and even more, how difficult it is to ask people you love not to hold the child whose arrival they have anticipated for months.
When we first came home with Iliya, we were very adamant about being the primary caregivers for him. We wanted to make sure that he had the best opportunity to attach to us and we were apprehensive about other people wanting to hold him and do things for him. So before we ever left Russia, I wrote a post, giving a small explanation about attachment and how we could see our first days home. As hard as it was, we even asked family members to refrain from encouraging him to come to them. If you've never been there, you'll never know how awkward it can be to ask a friend not to give your child a cracker...and even more, how difficult it is to ask people you love not to hold the child whose arrival they have anticipated for months.
Anyway, many of my fears subsided after a couple of weeks home. For the most part, Iliya preferred me and Nathan to anyone else. Despite his comfort level, we still remained adament about being his primary caregivers. Once he became securely comfortable with us, after a few months home, we did not have so many reservations with allowing him to branch out to our family members. We've wanted him to have good relationships with all of them.
And of course, I had to go back to work and he went to daycare. That transition went well, and by all outward appearances, seemed to be doing just fine - with his adjustment and with our growing attachment.
As the year progressed, so did his attachment to us, and our attachment to him. I think it really helped that during the school year, we were all in a pretty normal routine. His routine at school was pretty consistent and outside of school, we didn't do a lot of "going and doing" that might overstimulate him.
Through this past summer, though, we've been a bit more inconsistent with him than we should've been. For adults, summer tends to be a time to relax and take it easy...we think back to the carefree days of summer, when nothing mattered but sleeping late, doing much of nothing, playing outside until supper time, and going to bed...only to start over in the morning.
What we forget, though, is that children - especially very young children - thrive on routines. There is really no such thing as a carefree summer day for a 2 year old who works year-round on the skills needed for his proper development! So, as adults, we often have misguided intentions when it comes to summers and our very young children.
In short, the summer schedule at school became a little lax...and Nathan and I really didn't help the situation, either. We had a few babysitters during the summer. If I had to work late, someone different (family members) may've picked Iliya up from school. We had more visitors than usual, at home. And we also went on vacation and overall, let our routine slip by the wayside.
And I think that the lack of consistency confused Iliya a little bit. For instance....
When we are home alone with him, he's perfectly fine, but if someone else (and it can be anyone - a friend, family member) is at our house, he occasionally wants (sometimes cries for) them to do things for him (like give him a bath or change his diaper - not so much put him to bed, because I think he clearly sees that as my job). If he is playing with someone at our house, and Nathan or I walk in, he looks at us, and says, "no! bye bye!" It's plain that he's having fun and doesn't want either of us to ruin the fun.
On the other hand, he displays very positive attachment behaviors at school - he may cry a little when I leave him, but he recovers quickly and is typically happy to see me when I return at the end of the day. He doesn't interact inappropriately with strangers when we are out in public (unless, of course, he sees a white-bearded man and starts yelling - with excitement mixed with fear - "Santa Claus! North Pole! Reindeer!" :)
So you see, we wonder if both the lack of consistency - and the abundance of visitors - have confused him and potentially harmed his attachment? Or are Nathan and I both reading things into his behaviors...maybe we are the ones who are confused!
That's the tough part of parenting a PI child. And if you read any of our blogs around here, you probably know the theme by heart. "Is this normal 2 year old behavior?? Or is it something more serious rearing its head?"
It's a theme that often makes me want to pull my hair out, because I want these behaviors - more than anything - to be typical 2-year old behaviors. Yet, I feel the need - at least a little bit - to treat them as PI behaviors.
Deep in my heart, I think Iliya really, truly is entrenched in exerting his independence. And making choices. Like who will change his diaper (this is only an issue at home, if someone is there with us). And as a person who has studied child development - and works in the field for a living, I know that allowing a child to have limited independence and make appropriate choices is very, very important at this age. I don't want to slip up and squelch his independence. But at the very same time, I want to make sure that we're doing everything possible to ensure a solid attachment.
See the fine line that we walk?
Anyway, our solution to the confusion has been to step back and make sure to get in some really good, consistent, family time. Now that summer is over, and a new school year has officially begun, the daily routine is much more consistent. I've made it a point to be there to pick him up from school every day, and we spend good time as a family when Nathan gets home.
And I would be completely remiss if I did not stop right here and say thank you to our family and friends who have been so supportive of us in the past year! We have not had anyone tell us (even if they may've thought it) that we were crazy or too over-protective...and for that, we are so appreciative.
Now to some questions about our current place in the attachment process. These are some that I thought of that (if I were on the outside looking in) I might have. Keep in mind that my answers to these questions are for our situation now. I would've answered these questions quite differently a year ago. And if you have others, feel free to post them and I will definitely do my best to answer them.
As the year progressed, so did his attachment to us, and our attachment to him. I think it really helped that during the school year, we were all in a pretty normal routine. His routine at school was pretty consistent and outside of school, we didn't do a lot of "going and doing" that might overstimulate him.
Through this past summer, though, we've been a bit more inconsistent with him than we should've been. For adults, summer tends to be a time to relax and take it easy...we think back to the carefree days of summer, when nothing mattered but sleeping late, doing much of nothing, playing outside until supper time, and going to bed...only to start over in the morning.
What we forget, though, is that children - especially very young children - thrive on routines. There is really no such thing as a carefree summer day for a 2 year old who works year-round on the skills needed for his proper development! So, as adults, we often have misguided intentions when it comes to summers and our very young children.
In short, the summer schedule at school became a little lax...and Nathan and I really didn't help the situation, either. We had a few babysitters during the summer. If I had to work late, someone different (family members) may've picked Iliya up from school. We had more visitors than usual, at home. And we also went on vacation and overall, let our routine slip by the wayside.
And I think that the lack of consistency confused Iliya a little bit. For instance....
When we are home alone with him, he's perfectly fine, but if someone else (and it can be anyone - a friend, family member) is at our house, he occasionally wants (sometimes cries for) them to do things for him (like give him a bath or change his diaper - not so much put him to bed, because I think he clearly sees that as my job). If he is playing with someone at our house, and Nathan or I walk in, he looks at us, and says, "no! bye bye!" It's plain that he's having fun and doesn't want either of us to ruin the fun.
On the other hand, he displays very positive attachment behaviors at school - he may cry a little when I leave him, but he recovers quickly and is typically happy to see me when I return at the end of the day. He doesn't interact inappropriately with strangers when we are out in public (unless, of course, he sees a white-bearded man and starts yelling - with excitement mixed with fear - "Santa Claus! North Pole! Reindeer!" :)
So you see, we wonder if both the lack of consistency - and the abundance of visitors - have confused him and potentially harmed his attachment? Or are Nathan and I both reading things into his behaviors...maybe we are the ones who are confused!
That's the tough part of parenting a PI child. And if you read any of our blogs around here, you probably know the theme by heart. "Is this normal 2 year old behavior?? Or is it something more serious rearing its head?"
It's a theme that often makes me want to pull my hair out, because I want these behaviors - more than anything - to be typical 2-year old behaviors. Yet, I feel the need - at least a little bit - to treat them as PI behaviors.
Deep in my heart, I think Iliya really, truly is entrenched in exerting his independence. And making choices. Like who will change his diaper (this is only an issue at home, if someone is there with us). And as a person who has studied child development - and works in the field for a living, I know that allowing a child to have limited independence and make appropriate choices is very, very important at this age. I don't want to slip up and squelch his independence. But at the very same time, I want to make sure that we're doing everything possible to ensure a solid attachment.
See the fine line that we walk?
Anyway, our solution to the confusion has been to step back and make sure to get in some really good, consistent, family time. Now that summer is over, and a new school year has officially begun, the daily routine is much more consistent. I've made it a point to be there to pick him up from school every day, and we spend good time as a family when Nathan gets home.
And I would be completely remiss if I did not stop right here and say thank you to our family and friends who have been so supportive of us in the past year! We have not had anyone tell us (even if they may've thought it) that we were crazy or too over-protective...and for that, we are so appreciative.
Now to some questions about our current place in the attachment process. These are some that I thought of that (if I were on the outside looking in) I might have. Keep in mind that my answers to these questions are for our situation now. I would've answered these questions quite differently a year ago. And if you have others, feel free to post them and I will definitely do my best to answer them.
Does all of this mean that we are no longer welcoming visitors to our house? Absolutely not! It just means that - we need to make sure that we are still doing as much primary caregiving as is appropriate. And what we feel is appropriate may vary, depending on where we feel he is, attachment-wise. It could mean that we take a few steps back and revert to some of our older techniques of being the only ones to do things for him. The thing for us is that we want to encourage relationships with his entire family, but we also want to make sure he recognizes that we are his parents at all times. Like I mentioned, it's really a fine line to walk, and one that we rarely fret over anymore, unless some atypical (or new) behaviors emerge. We always like to pause and think about the behaviors, analyze them the best we can, and try to do the best thing for us as a family unit.
But (as usual) I digress... :)
And if he wants a hug from a close friend or family member? For us, one year post-coming home, it's fine. We feel secure enough in allowing him to appropriately display affection for people we know (for other parents in other attachment situations, refer to them for that answer. because - depending on their comfort level with their attachment - they very well may feel differently than we do).But it does mean that we have to keep an eye out for behaviors that give us pause. It does mean that when we are around, we still need to be the parents who kiss boo-boos, who are the primary sources of discipline, and all of that good stuff. Of course, we will continue to re-evaluate as time goes on...and eventually, we hope to not have to over-worry about behaviors. Given the fact, however, that Iliya did live in an institutional setting - no matter how exceptional his care was back then - we will always be vigilant to be sure there are no residual effects from his first 20 months.
Does this mean that we won't have the occasional babysitter? Nah. We also feel secure enough for that sort of thing. Probably won't be going out of town for any overnighters anytime soon...but babysitters (especially family) are a great way to let Iliya have a little time with family while letting Nathan & I have some much-needed together time.
For those of you who are about to embark on parenthood with a PI child...just be patient. As Elle mentioned in her post, don't put timelines on things. As Susan and Adrienne both pointed out, do what you know (or learn) needs to be done...continue evaluating circumstances...and never give up!
And to all of the extended families...I implore that you all be as understanding as my/Nathan's families have been. Listen to the parents. They know what's best for their child, and even though it may not seem like it at times, they really do want to get to a place where you can have a meaningful relationship with their child. There's no good way to say when that will be possible.
But with patience, time, and hard work...comes good things.
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I think all kids are so different its hard to compair one's behavior to another, don't worry too much about it. Just do what you feel vs. what you've read.
I have read your post and would like to express some of the things I have learned through my experience in life, and that is not to say I know everything.
I say these things because I love you, Nathan and Iliya and I want what is best for all of you in this life and in the eternal realm.
It is not abnormal for any child who is in the presence of a loved one (that is someone they enjoy being around) to desire that loved one to do things for them that normally is done by a parent. Remember Johnathan & Dadaw and you and Sissy when you all were young. You have heard us tell the story of how crushed you were when Dadaw swatted your little bottom when you were in the middle of him & Mamaw shucking corn, “flashing” flies. He’d told you many times to move and when you wouldn’t, he gently patted you on the bottom & you cried like he’d broken your heart, and then he was upset that he’d done that. He loved his grandchildren and he would walk you all around endlessly carrying you so you could see the world or when you began walking, he’d hold you by your hands to take your first steps, as much as you wanted to go. It brought him so much joy and did you too. And there are many other stories I could mention just like this.
Iliya knows who his mommy & daddy are. If something scares him, I know if given the choice where he would want to be -- in his mommy’s or daddy’s arms. Y’all have done a wonderful job parenting. I don’t believe that you need to underestimate what you have accomplished. You seem to have many questions & you may be questioning your own confidence. May I suggest you look to the Bible for some of your answers to your questions?
Your mom & I began our married life with far less than any of our children have when they became independent. I don’t say that to heap praise on ourselves, we made those choices – but when you were born, you became the most important thing in this life, as Iliya is with the two of you. If you doubt the kind of parenting you’ve been doing, an option is for y’all to live on Nathan’s wages for awhile. I know it would be hard, but that would present the greatest opportunity for you to bond with him. I can attest now that it has paid off with us and all the hardships we endured have brought forth more fruit than I could have imagined.
My biggest fear (as it was with you all when all 4 of you were young) is will Iliya be a faithful Christian when he grows up? I have always told your mom (you can ask her) that I would rather live in a far away place and each of you be a faithful Christian, than be neighbors and any of you be an unfaithful Christian. It would then and still would now, hurt me to know one of my children is unfaithful. This is the real test of our lives. Remember what is most important – that is your spiritual life and the spiritual life of those you love. All said, remember this, focus on Iliya’s spiritual side – pray that he grows up to be a faithful Christian, and if you succeed here, I can say with 100% certainty, because the Bible says so, all other things will work out.
I love you very much,
dad
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34
I think as parents - especially of PI children - we will always be second guessing ourselves for fear of the consequences if we get it wrong. I did worry over the last month when I travelled back to the UK (a four day drive just to ge there) about the disruption to routine and the effect of meeting so many new people for the first time. I have to say Hannah blew me away with how she coped and when I could see she was anxious friends and family were immediately understanding of why I was stepping in. In the long term I actually think it has done our attachment a great deal of good. I think Hannah has gained an understanding of the idea that even when there are other people around, it is me who is the constant and who she leaves with. There were times that needed verbalised and repeated to her (using the same words I always use at home when she has anxiety) - and she obviously misses and asks for family members she attached to on our visit - but overall I think it has led to progress in her understanding of 'us' and her attachment.
It is a worry - not because of the behaviour our children may display, but because of what we fear may be the underlying trigger for it. I hope as you settle back into your daily routine, Iliya quickly eases your worries - isn't it odd that our babies ease our worries for us! :)
Number two: As for Iliya crying for you guys to leave when you guys come in from a baby-sitting session, I can remember, as I'm sure you can, being at Mamaw's and Dadaw's and watching TV or playing Dominoes or something, and Mom and Dad came by to pick us up, or being at a friend's house and Mom and Dad came by (we never really had many baby-sitters...at least I didn't cause I had you), but I would be so upset that they had come by to pick me up--NOT because I loved Mamaw and Dadaw or even my friends more than I loved Mom or Dad, but it was more like you said about not wanting the fun to end...not that you aren't fun...it's just he gets to have fun with other people, too...
You know what? I have no idea.
No one does.
You just pray about it. I hardly think that your family is lacking prayers from who-knows-how-many people around the world.
He loves his Mama and his Daddy very much. When they aren't around, all anyone ever hears is, "Mama? Daddy? Mama? Daddy?" Remember it.
But I'm not a parent, and no one else but you two are HIS parents, so just do whatever you think is best and hope everything turns out okay! And if you don't ever like anyone's advice, then remember, you don't have to post it for the entire world to see :)
Love,
Brenkin
p.s. Can't wait to see you guys tonight!
I think your blog is so good that I have bookmarked it and check it every so often for updates. I love the way you write. Your honesty is refreshing. I think your dad's comments are the most important advice you will ever receive. What awesome parents you have! Wow! You have been given the privilege of rearing an absolutely adorable little boy!
Tharen
I love you and Nathan dearly and your dedication to your child.
I think it's great that you are so thoughtful about your parenting.
This is probably a situation where your degrees and experience in child development are both a blessing and a curse.
I know that every child is unique and you are both wonderful parents.
I don't have any direct experience with adoption (or parenthood), so I'm not sure I can totally relate. After reading this post I'm starting to evaluate in my mind all of the attachment issues that my little nephews and nieces must have. They're all biological, but each of them is very different in regards to this topic. Wow! It's something to think about.....
Have a blessed day!
---L
I "ditto" what everyone else has said...especially your dad and Brenkin! What wonderful supportive family you have!
As everyone else has said...YOU know YOUR child best...follow your intuition! But I will tell you this, the times I am with Little Man...he is always looking for you or Nate. He wants you in eye sight at all times. As for at home with a baby sitter, he is more comfortable! You and Nate have done a wonderful job of making Iliya feel safe at home and confident in his little two year old self! I believe he is having fun with his babysitters (family), who possibly let him get away with "stuff" that mom and dad don't let him get away with. I bet these babysitters are no where near as strict as mom and dad!!! Even though I only worked a few hours a day...my kids NEVER wanted me to pick them up from Granny's house. If she was around...they always wanted her! Now that tey are older, they are still always ready to go, if someone will take them! However, if they don't feel well because Granny gave them too many sweets or become afraid because aunt/uncle let them watch a scary movie...they always call us to come get them and comfort them! So will Iliya! He loves you both so much, and he deffinately know's who his forever mommy and daddy are!
Love you all and will be praying for you!
Love,
Andrea