We may or may not ever be able to make an announcement that "we're pregnant"...but we have come to understand that the blessing is the fact that however parenthood happens, it is a miracle! ....... Now we have been home with our precious blessing from Russia since August 2007. Join us on our fun and crazy ride that we call "life with this child of mine."
Monday, June 09, 2008
The Final Questions
Here are a few more questions & answers. Bear with me through these...I hope this post doesn't completely shatter all that you thought good about me!
This question is from Joy.
What was something that you thought was going to be hard and was not since you became a mother??
This is a hard question to answer, mainly because there are a couple of short answers...like, how much easier it has been to keep a decent (though not always spotless & not always perfectly clean) house than I thought it might be. Another thing is that it's been easier than I thought it might be for Nathan & I to spend time together...and a huge contributing factor in that is that Iliya is usually in bed by 7:30. Which means that Nathan & I have a couple hours to straighten the house & then spend time together.
I'd say, though, the most obvious thing that has been easier than I'd anticipated is Iliya's attachment to us. I can't say that things went perfectly, but we definitely feel extremely blessed. Nathan & I had both read a lot about attachment and studied it in our college coursework...so I feel like we were fairly well armed for most possibilities. I can remember - a month or so before we received Iliya's referral - sitting in my Master's level Infant Development class, one day when we were discussing research on attachment. I had presented a research article on attachment and the possibility that the first portion of life may not necessarily be critical for attachment. I looked around at the class, and said something to the effect of, "this is what I am hoping and praying our experience will prove." But since we hadn't even met Iliya at that point, we were still in the dark - so to speak - about what we might be up for in the realm of attachment. On that first trip, though, we felt very fortunate in that Iliya seemed to have some pretty secure attachments to a couple caregivers in the baby home...and starting on our second trip, these attachments began to transfer fairly quickly to us.
With regard to Lindsay's question: Regarding bringing Iliya home, his transition to family life and your attachment: is there anything you would do differently or didn't do but wish you had?
I have to say that - especially in the first few months home - I wish I had possessed and practiced more patience. I'd always thought I would be an awesome mother with patience by the bucketload. Turns out, I'm a pretty good mother who really has to work on patience.
In terms of attachment, everything progressed smoothly, all things considered(you know, like giving a toddler a crash course in life as a family, in a house, with dogs and cats, a car to ride in, new food to eat, tons of new people to see and places to go) ...yet I felt this inexplicable need for perfection (I'll get into this below) in everything. I had such high expectations of how things would go (yeah, big things like all those big "firsts," but even little everyday things, like how Iliya would react at dinnertime...or how well he would sleep). And when things didn't pan out as I'd envisioned (when he was a pill during portions of Christmas or when he screamed at me as I cooked or woke up inexplicably in the middle of the night), I would become unbelievably frustrated. I didn't know I had it in me to become so frustrated.
I wish I had just slowed down, lowered my expectations a little bit, and had alittle lot more patience with myself, everyone around me, and above all, Iliya, in the whole transition.
So...back to Joy...
What was the thing or event that you thought was going to be easy and was not since you have become a mother??
Almost everything!!
Ha ha, okay, not quite that bad. Really, I had dreamed & dreamed about the day that I would have my own child...for the (almost) 9 years that Nathan & were married before we adopted Iliya. I thought I had everything figured out. I had begun work on my research proposal for my thesis - The Transition to Parenthood - so I was pretty familiar with the research on becoming parents for the first time. I knew that there would be adjustments to make. What I didn't count on, though, is that other people were not the only ones to make adjustments. I would have to make them as well. As educated as I was in the process & what might happen...I guess I thought that education would be my buffer.
But when we got home and I cried the majority of nights for 2 months, I knew that I had waaay overestimated my abilities to cope with adjustment. There were all these conflicting emotions.
I was so happy to have this baby that I had wanted for SO long...he was absolutely precious, with a great laugh and beautiful chubby cheeks. He seemed to be adjusting well, and I had absolutely nothing to complain about! But at the same time, I suddenly had this toddler that needed me 24/7. There were to be no more impromptu trips to the grocery store at 11:00 p.m....no more going anywhere without a whole lot of forethought and planning. I suddenly had to plan around naps and food...I could go without food or sleep, but my child could not. No more running quick errands, because nothing is quick when you have to get a child in/out of a carseat and then worry whether or not he'll be happy while you are running said "quick" errand. No more cooking in relative peace & quiet.
And then there was that self-imposed pressure to make everything...all those "firsts"...absolutely perfect. I had such HIGH expectations...and if something didn't go exactly as I had expected, then I would melt down.
Don't get me wrong, I knewall most of this was coming (though I didn't really anticipate the food-starved screaming as I cooked)...I had even greatly anticipated all of the stuff in that paragraph above. I was so excited. But I think that everything at once was a huge dose of reality and I got totally overwhelmed. I was worried that we might have made a mistake (knowing in my heart that we hadn't)...and I knew - in my brain - that I loved Iliya...but my attachment to him took longer than I had expected.
I would feel so horrible when people would say, "I know you are just on cloud 9. You couldn't be happier..." Because I felt like a bit of a farce. A part of me was on cloud 9, but a part of me (the part that was taking longer-than-I'd-thought to adjust) felt traces of despair. When I heard new parents (adoptive or otherwise) say that they fell absolutely in love with their child the moment they held him/her...I would run home and burst into fresh tears. I wanted that so badly, but just wasn't there.
Even knowing how things eventually turned out, and how they got better, and how he & I finally clicked together...I am still a bit embarrassed to admit that. But it's something that - I think - every parent should know is a possibility. In retrospect, I think I was pushing myself too hard, and having unreal expectations. I should've been more patient (there it is again, the "P" word!), and realized that everything would fall into place with a bit of time and patience.
And it has! We were fortunate that my feelings were not compounded by severe attachment issues from Iliya's end...I still have moments of frustration...but what parent doesn't? But as time moved on and Iliya and I learned each other...I no longer have all those feelings that I had in the first few months home.
I put a book together, back in November, using Shutt3rfly. And toward the end of the book, think I summed things up - simply - when I wrote this: "During their adjustment, (the new family) had times of stress, and Mommy and Iliya cried together sometimes while Daddy was the glue that helped stick things together. But even though they cried sometimes, they also laughed a lot. In time, the tears happened less often and the laughter happened more often."
Which is very true. So I would say that my adjustment seems to be the one thing that I was sure would be easy, but would not be. I know that there are people out there who will tell me that I am too hard on myself as a mom...and that may be true, but I want to give an honest viewpoint from someone who knew that things were good, but had a difficult adjustment period, nonetheless. Don't be scared by what I say...just use my experience to be realistic about your own. And if you adjust in the blink of an eye...consider yourself fortunate and make sure to thank God for that!
This question is from Joy.
What was something that you thought was going to be hard and was not since you became a mother??
This is a hard question to answer, mainly because there are a couple of short answers...like, how much easier it has been to keep a decent (though not always spotless & not always perfectly clean) house than I thought it might be. Another thing is that it's been easier than I thought it might be for Nathan & I to spend time together...and a huge contributing factor in that is that Iliya is usually in bed by 7:30. Which means that Nathan & I have a couple hours to straighten the house & then spend time together.
I'd say, though, the most obvious thing that has been easier than I'd anticipated is Iliya's attachment to us. I can't say that things went perfectly, but we definitely feel extremely blessed. Nathan & I had both read a lot about attachment and studied it in our college coursework...so I feel like we were fairly well armed for most possibilities. I can remember - a month or so before we received Iliya's referral - sitting in my Master's level Infant Development class, one day when we were discussing research on attachment. I had presented a research article on attachment and the possibility that the first portion of life may not necessarily be critical for attachment. I looked around at the class, and said something to the effect of, "this is what I am hoping and praying our experience will prove." But since we hadn't even met Iliya at that point, we were still in the dark - so to speak - about what we might be up for in the realm of attachment. On that first trip, though, we felt very fortunate in that Iliya seemed to have some pretty secure attachments to a couple caregivers in the baby home...and starting on our second trip, these attachments began to transfer fairly quickly to us.
With regard to Lindsay's question: Regarding bringing Iliya home, his transition to family life and your attachment: is there anything you would do differently or didn't do but wish you had?
I have to say that - especially in the first few months home - I wish I had possessed and practiced more patience. I'd always thought I would be an awesome mother with patience by the bucketload. Turns out, I'm a pretty good mother who really has to work on patience.
In terms of attachment, everything progressed smoothly, all things considered(you know, like giving a toddler a crash course in life as a family, in a house, with dogs and cats, a car to ride in, new food to eat, tons of new people to see and places to go) ...yet I felt this inexplicable need for perfection (I'll get into this below) in everything. I had such high expectations of how things would go (yeah, big things like all those big "firsts," but even little everyday things, like how Iliya would react at dinnertime...or how well he would sleep). And when things didn't pan out as I'd envisioned (when he was a pill during portions of Christmas or when he screamed at me as I cooked or woke up inexplicably in the middle of the night), I would become unbelievably frustrated. I didn't know I had it in me to become so frustrated.
I wish I had just slowed down, lowered my expectations a little bit, and had a
So...back to Joy...
What was the thing or event that you thought was going to be easy and was not since you have become a mother??
Almost everything!!
Ha ha, okay, not quite that bad. Really, I had dreamed & dreamed about the day that I would have my own child...for the (almost) 9 years that Nathan & were married before we adopted Iliya. I thought I had everything figured out. I had begun work on my research proposal for my thesis - The Transition to Parenthood - so I was pretty familiar with the research on becoming parents for the first time. I knew that there would be adjustments to make. What I didn't count on, though, is that other people were not the only ones to make adjustments. I would have to make them as well. As educated as I was in the process & what might happen...I guess I thought that education would be my buffer.
But when we got home and I cried the majority of nights for 2 months, I knew that I had waaay overestimated my abilities to cope with adjustment. There were all these conflicting emotions.
I was so happy to have this baby that I had wanted for SO long...he was absolutely precious, with a great laugh and beautiful chubby cheeks. He seemed to be adjusting well, and I had absolutely nothing to complain about! But at the same time, I suddenly had this toddler that needed me 24/7. There were to be no more impromptu trips to the grocery store at 11:00 p.m....no more going anywhere without a whole lot of forethought and planning. I suddenly had to plan around naps and food...I could go without food or sleep, but my child could not. No more running quick errands, because nothing is quick when you have to get a child in/out of a carseat and then worry whether or not he'll be happy while you are running said "quick" errand. No more cooking in relative peace & quiet.
And then there was that self-imposed pressure to make everything...all those "firsts"...absolutely perfect. I had such HIGH expectations...and if something didn't go exactly as I had expected, then I would melt down.
Don't get me wrong, I knew
I would feel so horrible when people would say, "I know you are just on cloud 9. You couldn't be happier..." Because I felt like a bit of a farce. A part of me was on cloud 9, but a part of me (the part that was taking longer-than-I'd-thought to adjust) felt traces of despair. When I heard new parents (adoptive or otherwise) say that they fell absolutely in love with their child the moment they held him/her...I would run home and burst into fresh tears. I wanted that so badly, but just wasn't there.
Even knowing how things eventually turned out, and how they got better, and how he & I finally clicked together...I am still a bit embarrassed to admit that. But it's something that - I think - every parent should know is a possibility. In retrospect, I think I was pushing myself too hard, and having unreal expectations. I should've been more patient (there it is again, the "P" word!), and realized that everything would fall into place with a bit of time and patience.
And it has! We were fortunate that my feelings were not compounded by severe attachment issues from Iliya's end...I still have moments of frustration...but what parent doesn't? But as time moved on and Iliya and I learned each other...I no longer have all those feelings that I had in the first few months home.
I put a book together, back in November, using Shutt3rfly. And toward the end of the book, think I summed things up - simply - when I wrote this: "During their adjustment, (the new family) had times of stress, and Mommy and Iliya cried together sometimes while Daddy was the glue that helped stick things together. But even though they cried sometimes, they also laughed a lot. In time, the tears happened less often and the laughter happened more often."
Which is very true. So I would say that my adjustment seems to be the one thing that I was sure would be easy, but would not be. I know that there are people out there who will tell me that I am too hard on myself as a mom...and that may be true, but I want to give an honest viewpoint from someone who knew that things were good, but had a difficult adjustment period, nonetheless. Don't be scared by what I say...just use my experience to be realistic about your own. And if you adjust in the blink of an eye...consider yourself fortunate and make sure to thank God for that!
9 Comments:
Video Archives
For your viewing pleasure, click on the title to go to the video
*The Road Home*
*Eating (in Russia)*
*"More"*
*a Video for my sister's class*
*on a Friday afternoon*
*The Dog*
*Selecting a Book*
*Doing Dishes*
*Elfin' Great Moves*
*Christmas 2007*
*Family Fun*
*January 8, 2008*
*Dinner Time Fun*
*Spring Break 2008*
*Trip to the Zoo*
*123’s*
*Leap Day Fun*
*Comparison – 1st Trip*
*Comparison – 2nd Trip*
*One Year Later*
*At the Beach*
*The Wheels on the Bus*
*Canoeing 1*
*Canoeing 2*
*Canoeing Story*
*Ring Around the Rosie*
*The Road Home*
*Eating (in Russia)*
*"More"*
*a Video for my sister's class*
*on a Friday afternoon*
*The Dog*
*Selecting a Book*
*Doing Dishes*
*Elfin' Great Moves*
*Christmas 2007*
*Family Fun*
*January 8, 2008*
*Dinner Time Fun*
*Spring Break 2008*
*Trip to the Zoo*
*123’s*
*Leap Day Fun*
*Comparison – 1st Trip*
*Comparison – 2nd Trip*
*One Year Later*
*At the Beach*
*The Wheels on the Bus*
*Canoeing 1*
*Canoeing 2*
*Canoeing Story*
*Ring Around the Rosie*
Blogroll
Referral Picture
Trip One - March 2007
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If Only I Had Enough Time….!
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From Dad
Olive You
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SAHM at last
Katie
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Elle
Jeff & Jenny
Susan & Randy
Deb & Dave
Warren, Kylie & Bearcub
Carrie & Michael
Brouillette Family
Denise & David
Tricia & Mike
Margaret
Rob & Dede
The Marlowe Family
Allison & Stu
Rhonda & Brian
From Dad
Olive You
Kate
Come Undone
Adrienne & Jim
Becky & Keith
Troy & Rachel
Sira
Ana & Russ
Suz
Lauren & Marco
Lauren & Marco - Life w/ Cupcake
The Next Step
Carey & Norman
The Ginsbergs
Shane & Kathy
Nancy & Brian
Unexpected Miracles
Joy & Gerard
Leslie & Bryan
Jane & Jim
Chris, Danica, & the twins
Jane-Jane
Sean & Robin
Jaime & Suzanne
3 Journeys of the Heart...
Lea & Paul Pisarik
SAHM at last
Katie
Kev, Jen & Drew
A Growing Boy!
Referral Picture
Trip One - March 2007
Database Pic #2
Trip Two - July 2007
November 2007
January 2008
April 2008
November 2008
Happy 3rd Birthday!!
Quotes
"When I was very young, most of my childhood heroes wore capes, flew through the air, or picked up buildings with one arm. They were spectacular and got a lot of attention. But as I grew, my heroes changed, so that now I can honestly say that anyone who does anything to help a child is a hero to me."
~Fred Rogers
"I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be." ~Robert Munsch
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but its the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning" ~Hope Floats "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
~Fleur Conkling Heylinger
"The real issue in life is not how many blessings we have, but what we do with our blessings. Some people have many blessings and hoard them. Some have few and give everything away."
~Fred Rogers
"When I was very young, most of my childhood heroes wore capes, flew through the air, or picked up buildings with one arm. They were spectacular and got a lot of attention. But as I grew, my heroes changed, so that now I can honestly say that anyone who does anything to help a child is a hero to me."
~Fred Rogers
"I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be." ~Robert Munsch
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but its the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning" ~Hope Floats "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
~Fleur Conkling Heylinger
"The real issue in life is not how many blessings we have, but what we do with our blessings. Some people have many blessings and hoard them. Some have few and give everything away."
~Fred Rogers
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Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for answering my questions.
Joy
We went through the same tough stuff coming home. Those first few months I thought I would go crazy with all the demands, changes, adjustments for everyone. It's easier now but still probably much harder than I anticipated even though intellectually I thought I got it before they came home.
Patience. I once thought I had it. Now I'm learning it all over again.
Cheers to you Melissa.
Ronda