The question is...

"Should I stay..or should I go?"

Now, after you finish singing the chorus to that song (if that's what you were doing), I will explain. ((**CLARIFICATION: I'm not talking about leaving permanently. I am talking about picking up and moving shop to another blog. Never fear, I can't quit blogging...it's way too therapeutic for me** Now...let me finish - or begin? - explaining.)

We have been an official family for almost 3 months now. Nathan and I have made the lengthy transition from:

PAPs (pre-adoptive-parents) to
PAPs (adoptive parents) to
PAPs (well, just plain ole parents)

It's not necessarily that easy, I know. We will still have things and issues to deal with that traditional families may not have to deal with. But as is evident in my last post, we are making a fairly nice transition. We do not always look at every-single-situation in the light of Iliya being adopted, anymore. We are moving to a place where we're just a normal family - and it is seeming more & more like our child has been with us forever.

I remember, a couple weeks after we got home, people kept saying, "Oh, I know you just can't remember what life was like without him." And with guilt, I often thought, "well, actually...yes. I can remember what life was like before........" It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think that after almost 9 years of marriage, we had a huge adjustment to make. This was an adjustment that we knew we WOULD make -- but despite the overriding theme I've focused on (the Transition to Parenthood) in my Master's Program, I had seriously underestimated the impact that the transition would have on me, the person.

I wasn't unhappy...I just don't think I realized how much I had taken lots of things for granted. For instance, eating together at a restaurant...browsing around the store for 2 hours (yes, I used to do that, just for therapeutic purposes)...being able to just GO to the store at whatever hour...running a ton of errands at one time...going to church...having a quiet evening at home.

I could go on, but I think you get my point.

In 9 years of childless marriage, I had taken a lot for granted. When I was no longer able to do those things, I would find myself feeling somewhat sad or depressed at times...and these were emotions that I did not necessarily expect to feel. I knew that *other* people felt them, but had convinced myself that - since I was educated about "other people" - I would be able to avoid some of those "other people" emotions & feelings.

Yeah right.

Compound those feelings with the fact that I felt often incompetent or intimidated by this new title I held.......and the transition to feeling comfortable & competent in the role of "mom" took longer than I thought it would.

But now. Now, I am beginning to have a new appreciation for these things I once took for granted. Now that Iliya doesn't go crazy around food (or the lack thereof), eating at a restaurant is easier. I still don't browse around a store for 2 hours, but I do take Iliya out often & enjoy when he shouts "BALL!!!" at all of the pumpkins & cantaloupes in the store. I am better at planning around naps and feeding but don't let it get me so stressed anymore (and if we have to catch lunch out - or grab a nap a little bit late, then that's just what we do). We (both Iliya AND I) have gotten the hang of efficiently getting in & out of the carseat when we have to run errands (I've also really learned to appreciate my lunchbreak at work). Iliya is able to sit and look at books or eat cheerios during church - he's easier to entertain these days.

And the nights at home. They are no longer quiet (until after bedtime), but filled with laughter (and occasional tears) from a kid who is hilarious, who gets into everything (including toilet paper - yes, it happened again), who pushes his parents' buttons, who gives kisses & hugs, who climbs on the dogs, who tries to pull the cats' tails, and who is definitely loved by his parents & everyone who meets him.

It has taken a little time, but I am now successfully having a difficult time clearly remembering day-to-day life before Iliya. And this is not a bad thing. It is merely different...in a good way.

But that difference...being "just a family"...is what prompts me to wonder what to do with this blog. It has been an adoption blog for so long that I have a hard time really thinking of it as anything else. I would obviously let it stay in blogworld, for other people to read and use as a resource, if they wish. But at the same time, we don't really feel so much like adoptive parents anymore. We still have lots of firsts to experience with Iliya - and a new blog wouldn't shut out the adoption part of our life... but what to do?

Back to the original question "should I stay...or should I go?" Should I keep this blog & just redesign it for our current life - or should I leave it as it is & set up shop in another location? I am sentimental, so I feel the need to leave it "as is" - as the blog I remember writing in through all the waiting, tears, happiness, tears, & once again - happiness. But I can't decide for sure.

I think it is a decision that every blogging adoptive-parent-cum-regular-parent has to make. It's just not an easy one for me.