...and we can add 'weeks without news' to that song, now.

Can you believe that this Sunday will mark our 8th Sunday that we have been home from Russia? I am swiftly edging toward the entrance to the Pit of Despair...

And it's all because of a dream I had last night. I don't remember lots of specific details, but in the dream, we got a call telling us to hop the next available flight because our court date was only one day away. We didn't have time to pack or to let anyone know what we were doing. In fact, once we got to Russia, I had a worried message from my mom, wanting to know where we were. So I called her to let her know that we had to make a rushed trip, and that I hadn't even had time to clean the house. I asked her if she would mind arranging for a housecleaner to come over to the house to take care of that detail. And then...it finally dawned on me that we were mere days away from having a child. A child that we would be totally responsible for in good times and in bad. I began to worry that I would not be a good mother, and that I would not know what to do with this child. I was excited but totally scared.

Folks, I know I have said that these showers, and getting Little I's room ready has made this seem real to me. And they have, to an extent. But it was this dream that really brought me into the reality of our situation. And not only the reality that we are about to have a real-live baby at home... but along with that, the reality that we really do not know when we will return to Russia.

And the hardest thing, is not knowing when a variation of my dream sequence will actually happen, or what it will be like. I am fully anticipating having the rush of excited/fearful/happy/crazy feelings...but even in my wildest imagination, that's all it is at this point, a dream.

At lunch every day, I am focusing on simple Russian phrases, and I'm still not very good at speaking even the simplest phrase. But today, I pulled out Little I's video and tried to concentrate on hearing the caregivers say these phrases to him (and I actually *think* I heard a couple of them!). Usually, watching our video gives me a warm, happy feeling. For some reason, though, watching the video today made me ultra sad... Seeing him smile and laugh (and even cry!) on the video tugged at me really hard today - I don't know why today is different than any day before now, but for whatever reason, it is.

I long to return and bring Little I home.

I want to hold him, and sing to him, and begin working through the grief of losing those he loves while being thrust into a new environment with the new people who hold him and speak to him in a foreign tongue. I want to hear him cry and help him feel safe and happy - not on a video, but in person.

There are so many who have waited (and are still waiting) for so much longer than we have, and I think their patience deserves the highest commendation. And there are those who have waited only a very small amount of time - I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy for those people (but it's a happy-for-them jealousy, of course).

Several months ago, someone (actually, more than one someone) told me that the time between trips is killer. I had thought the wait before our referral was bad - and I actually thought that was because we did not have a face or a name. It's true, the wait before a referral is very hard, for that very reason - but I foolishly thought it would actually be easier once we had pictures and video of us with the baby that would become ours. When we came home from our first trip, I was so sick and then so busy...and the memories of our baby were so fresh...that I thought that this wait was actually going to be a piece of cake.

But then the memories, played over & over on a DVD, lead to very real dreams. And the more time that goes by, the more agonizing the wait.

And the bad thing is that I know it's going to be some time, yet, before we will go back.

Please say a prayer for me - and for Nathan (and for all adoptive parents everywhere) that we don't lose hope, and that we stay away from the Pit of Despair. I pray that we find happiness and renewal in every day that is given to us...and hope in that every new day brings us closer to the day that we will come home a family of three.