Boy, am I confused.

Do you remember when I mentioned Iliya's problems at naptime, when Nathan was gone for 6 weeks?

Then after Nathan got home, and we were more settled, things calmed down and Iliya was fine at school. Recently, though, he has started the same behavior - though it resembles manipulation a little bit more at this time. He will scream at naptime, and I am told that the screaming typically begins as Iliya drifts off to sleep (as if he realizes he is about to fall asleep and has to do something to keep himself awake). The screaming produces no tears and ends as soon as Iliya is taken from the room....and begins again when he is brought back. There are no rewards during the "breaks" - except for the natural reward of getting up and walking out of the room for a few minutes. The thing is, there is no choice but to take him from the room; otherwise, all the other children wake from their nap.

There are other times that he has screaming fits at school...when he gets frustrated or angry or nervous. Basically, I guess, when he experiences emotions he doesn't know how to express or handle.

Iliya's teacher and I have spent a good bit of time trying to figure out the cause of these outbursts as well as a plan of action for when they occur. She is fantastic with him, and instead of labeling him as a "difficult child," as many teachers might, she sees all the good things about him, and looks to his environment to see what is going on that might cause him to act in these difficult ways. She has done a good deal of working & researching to understand the post-institutionalized child that he is...and instead of just giving up, when he IS being difficult, she works that much harder to figure out how to meet his needs. So we have spent a good deal of time talking over the phone and in person, to try to figure out, exactly, what those needs are...and what we all, as the primary adults in his life, can be doing to help him through these times.

The difficult thing for us, as his parents, is that Nathan and I don't see this behavior at home. In part, I think it has to do with the fact that we can devote 100% of our attention to him, and he is not "competing" with anyone other than the dog for that attention. He goes to sleep well, eats well, and handles frustration well. He has responsibilities and is able to help out around the house. As far as we can tell, he is well adjusted and has good attachments to both of us. Honestly, we don't coddle him...but there just aren't many situations to arise at our house that instigate these meltdowns.

Either that, or Iliya is saving it all up to let loose at school. Which worries me a little bit, because isn't home supposed to be the place that children feel most comfortable "letting loose"?

Last week, when he began wearing his big boy underwear to school, we thought we were seeing a marked improvement in these behaviors, in part (we thought) due to the increased independence he was experiencing. Then Thursday rolled around, and he had a meltdown at naptime. And Friday, it happened again, too. So we were back to square one...or maybe, if we had been at square 5, we were back to square 3.

Anyway.

Because we don't experience this screaming behavior at home, we haven't had a reference point for what it is actually like.

And then, I received a call this morning, from Iliya's teacher. She was calling to touch base with me, to see if he'd had a good weekend - but Iliya was in the background, screaming. And I finally got that reference point we'd been missing. It wasn't a "hurt" cry, but he was definitely upset over something that had happened at snacktime. It was, however, a sort of hysterical, upset cry that I've only heard a few times from him...and certainly not within the past few months. So I'll be honest when I say that it shocked me a little bit.

(let me stop here to say that I haven't blogged about this, or even talked much about it, because it seems that when I have started writing, things get better for a few days...we have such a good/easy time with him at home...and the whole subject sort of moves to the back of my mind, only to resurface when the behavior starts going again)

See, Iliya has a doctor's appointment today. Nothing major, just a checkup. And since he has the tendency to worry, our past decisions have been to not tell him about appointments...but then again, we don't think it's nice to pick him up from school early, just to surprise him with a doctor's visit...especially now that he is older, and he has the capacity to better understand things we tell him. So we made the decision to tell him that we'd be picking him up early for a doctor's visit. He told us that he did not want to go to the doctor, and I told him that I understood he didn't want to go (because I'm not crazy about doctor's visits myself), but I assured him that it would be a quick visit, and the doctor would just want to weigh and measure him. We talked about it for a couple minutes and I felt like he was okay by the time he went to school.

I don't suppose it stopped him from worrying. And he probably got the chance to vent his worry/frustration with the incident at snacktime.

So I have to wonder where this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde difference between home & school is coming from. Is it just a byproduct of his personality + PI + how he handles himself in a group? Are we somehow, unknowingly dismissing his emotions (at home) and smoothing over some turmoil that he feels? Are we working too hard at home, talking to him too much? I don't question his attachment to us, but I do question if there is something else...something a little extra that we could be doing - or something that we could be overly doing. Maybe this all just hinges around the fact that Iliya has so many things going on - language development and potty training, being the 2 most notable things - that he doesn't have the capacity to appropriately express his emotions, just yet. Am I overthinking all of this? It's so hard to know!

I have toyed with the idea of trying to stay at home, rather than work, but right now, from the many angles we have looked at it, it's just not a possibility. And even so...is he learning to work through something in a group that he would likely not get if he stayed at home all the time with me?

I know that the whole issue of "time" is important. We try to carve out enough time to give us the opportunity to talk through things with Iliya...but this is definitely an area in which we can improve. We pray about it. Aside from (or in addition to) those things, I'm opening up the floor for your suggestions. We are back to the "trial and error" stage - working on combinations of things that we can do at home, at school, and at home & school together.

I only thought I understood the saying that "parenthood is the toughest job you'll ever love." I am learning, with every new thing, that there are so many layers to parenthood that make the job so tough. There are so many factors to consider...and how each factor will impact Iliya in the long run. This job is tough and exhausting and confusing at times. There is such a delicate balance to be maintained - and who knows if it will ever exactly right? It's tough, but with every moment we spend with Iliya, we are reminded why the job is so worth the effort. We're not striving for perfection...but it seems that - right now - there is a mystery to be solved. I think it's more than, "he's just all boy," but I don't want to read a ton of things into these behaviors, if it's not warranted.

And I could probably ramble on for three days...but I'll stop here, with the promise of a fun report of our weekend, hopefully tomorrow!